"All I Want is Everything."

I was listening to The Bravery this morning and that line’s been stuck in my head ever since. I’ve been thinking about it all day. It seems to summarize the fundamental disappointment in my existence and perhaps the fundamental problem with existence, period.

All I want is for every moment to burst with inspiration. All I want is for everyday to look like yesterday. All I want is to share life with someone so amazing that every moment feels like you could die in it, the happiest person who ever bit the dust. Also if she could look like the epitome of hotness and sing like Kristen May and make me melt like Billy Holliday… that would be acceptable. All I want is to have my work fulfill and satisfy me yet yield all the finance I would ever need. All I want is to be able to write songs that make other people write better songs. All I want is the young Brian Wilson’s singing voice. All I want is a 72 channel API console, 48 channels of tape, an HD-3 System, ADAMs Mains, and my complete outboard I wishlist. All I want is for people to start thinking about the way they treat each other. All I want is to treat other people less shitty than I usually do. All I want is for every movie to feel like Hiroshima Mon Amour and look like Legends of the Fall. I want every book to read like The Picture of Dorian Gray and affect me like The Thin Red Line with all the subtlety of Anna Karenena. I want the scriptures to drop all pretense and reveal the truths I beg them for. I want to understand all of my covenants. And then I want to be able to keep them. I want pure intelligence to flow into my mind over an unimpeded firewire 800 connection. I want to be able to make someone cry in the good way for once. I want to stop hurting the people I love. I want people to understand what I mean and not what I say… or even what I want to mean. Whichever hurts less. All I want is to not even have to tell Satan to get behind me. Better yet, if he could just never catch up with me in the first place. All I want is forever; all the time in timelessness and all the space in spacelessness to learn and understand and become.

Of course that’s unreasonable, but perhaps it’s also exactly where my expectations should be. If I had strictly telestial expectations I’d be set with this place. But Earth is like New York City: I hate this place as much as I love it. Perhaps after a baptism of fire…

The one Jason forgot...

This is my favorite I think... perhaps cause it's the story of my life. Perhaps for the visual poetry... who knows?

If you don't like Jimmy Eat World...

It's obvious you've never heard this album. Just falling in love with it for the 9,000'th time... From Jason and I's drive-to-school-at-the-top-of-morning-lungs anthem, "Table for Glasses" to all 16 minutes and 14 seconds of the loop-wild "Goodbye Sky Harbor".

On Tuesday I decided how I was getting to Boston...

3 grueling 16 hour days, 2 hotels, 2600 miles, hours of packing, unpacking, packing, and unpacking, and 80 straight hours with my mother later...

I'm in Boston. Maybe I should've flown.

More to come soon.

Back in AZ...Go Sabercats!

So Utah was wierd. I had an immense "you don't belong here anymore" feeling the whole time. I drove back to AZ on Friday and stopped at my grandma's house in Flagstaff for the night. Saturday I got to unpack all my stuff from the suburban and start scratching my head about how to get it all to Boston.

Then I went to hang out with Jen. She lives right by Kiwanis park, and hadn't yet explored it, so we decided to do just that. Good call. We stumbled onto a Pee-Wee football game in progress. If you've never watched a Pee-Wee football game, you really should. Imagine 50 or so 7-10 year olds decked out in pads with huge helmets. If they lean too far, they fall over. Every tackle begins with one initial hit and ends in a pile because the kids build up so much momentum (and are so top heavy) that they can't stop. Jen put the charm of watching the event this way: "It's like big people football... but they're small." Profound. It really was amazing. Before we saw any of the game we picked the team in black and gold to root for. They were called the sabercats and they totally dominated. It was really sad for the parents across the field, I'm sure. Those kids were getting wasted. Sitting with all the parents was a hoot. They were so into the game. And many had the cutest little black babies ever (future generations of pee-wee players). We got a few wierd looks cause we were too... despite having no kids of our own on the field. We screamed "go sabercats!!!" at every tackle and every brilliant end zone run. So find a pee-wee game to watch sometime. You'll thank me.

I was kissed last night...

For those staying tuned to the strangeness that is my life: You can add that little gem. A girl barely home from her mission stuck her tongue in my mouth. Wow.

Vacation is like Masturbation...

You're only screwing yourself.

Vacation has kinda sucked thus far. Actually it was great when all I was doing was playing with nieces and nephews. Now I'm in Utah and will be for almost a week longer. It'll get better... right? Right?