"All I Want is Everything."

I was listening to The Bravery this morning and that line’s been stuck in my head ever since. I’ve been thinking about it all day. It seems to summarize the fundamental disappointment in my existence and perhaps the fundamental problem with existence, period.

All I want is for every moment to burst with inspiration. All I want is for everyday to look like yesterday. All I want is to share life with someone so amazing that every moment feels like you could die in it, the happiest person who ever bit the dust. Also if she could look like the epitome of hotness and sing like Kristen May and make me melt like Billy Holliday… that would be acceptable. All I want is to have my work fulfill and satisfy me yet yield all the finance I would ever need. All I want is to be able to write songs that make other people write better songs. All I want is the young Brian Wilson’s singing voice. All I want is a 72 channel API console, 48 channels of tape, an HD-3 System, ADAMs Mains, and my complete outboard I wishlist. All I want is for people to start thinking about the way they treat each other. All I want is to treat other people less shitty than I usually do. All I want is for every movie to feel like Hiroshima Mon Amour and look like Legends of the Fall. I want every book to read like The Picture of Dorian Gray and affect me like The Thin Red Line with all the subtlety of Anna Karenena. I want the scriptures to drop all pretense and reveal the truths I beg them for. I want to understand all of my covenants. And then I want to be able to keep them. I want pure intelligence to flow into my mind over an unimpeded firewire 800 connection. I want to be able to make someone cry in the good way for once. I want to stop hurting the people I love. I want people to understand what I mean and not what I say… or even what I want to mean. Whichever hurts less. All I want is to not even have to tell Satan to get behind me. Better yet, if he could just never catch up with me in the first place. All I want is forever; all the time in timelessness and all the space in spacelessness to learn and understand and become.

Of course that’s unreasonable, but perhaps it’s also exactly where my expectations should be. If I had strictly telestial expectations I’d be set with this place. But Earth is like New York City: I hate this place as much as I love it. Perhaps after a baptism of fire…