An open letter to someone I wish could forgive me...

Maybe she already has. Mostly background... Then some letter.

Katie was a sweet girl. And pretty rad. She was so cool, in fact, that I thought she was far too cool for me. (Which is crazy, cause I'm awesome, right?) Katie had such a cute face, with blonde hair in a rad little boy haircut and big eyes. She was hot, and sneakily funny... Like it wasn't immediately apparent but I think anybody who knew her was aware how side-splittingly hilarious she could be. I wasn't her home teacher, but I went with my roommate once to her house to home teach her. There was some moment where everyone paused in silence and she meowed. Like a cat. After we stopped laughing, we asked for an explanation, and she said every 4 minutes there's an awkward moment somewhere in the world and every 4 minutes a cat dies. While I doubt if this phenomenon is accurate, the decision to respond to awkward silences by meowing was pretty funny.

So, Katie and I were friends... kind of. We would say hi at church and stuff, and while I'm sure I flirted the whole time I knew her, it wasn't till right after she announced her mission call that she showed any real interest in me. I was understandably conflicted and yet not altogether unpleased. She was, of course, cute and rad. We didn't go on any dates, we just hung out and talked a couple times. Then she disappeared for a couple weeks and came by my house the night before she left for the MTC. She sat on my stairs and laid her head down on my chest. We didn't really talk much.

The next day she was gone. While she was, I wrote her letters. She went to Mississippi, which was dear to my heart, as 5 months of my own mission were spent in the Magnolia State. We grew very close through writing letters back and forth. And while we never even really got romantic in our correspondence, I realized that letters have a peculiar kind of intimacy. When she came home I was in AZ getting ready for my big move to Boston. I called her house to welcome her back and tell her I'd be in Utah in a few days to pick up some stuff, and that I'd like to see her. There was a lot of strange anticipation and nerves for me as we'd never really defined our expectations. We had certainly become quite close over the year and a half she was gone, but I was about to be moving 2000 miles away and we'd never even dated. I was hanging out with Adam (who also wanted to see her) when I picked her up. She seemed unusually well adjusted for a girl right off her mission. We had a pretty fun few hours hanging out and when the two of us were driving back to her house I explained that I was gonna hang out with Jason the next day and then take off for Boston. She asked me if I would call her before I took off so she could say goodbye. I agreed, and when we got out of the car she just kinda full on kissed me. I was stunned, but like I said, cute and awesome, so I kissed her back (although I'm not sure how well, as all I could think was, "Uhhhhh, what the crap is happening?"). After a similarly awkward hug (I'm a huge nerf), I said goodnight. Then I did the dumbest thing ever. I posted about it on my blog.

I called her the next day just to say I was already leaving town on her answering machine. And never called her again.

I've never before or since been such a huge douchebag.

Now a letter...

Dear Katie,

I'm a putz. I wish I could say you were the only monumental screw-up I have on my record, but that would be a lie.

True, we never talked about getting serious with each other, but we tore down a lot of walls through our letters and developed an intimacy that I should have had a greater respect for, even if I didn't wholly understand what it meant to you. The retarded thing is that I really liked you a lot. I wanted to see what we could be, but I let my whole Boston move and that kiss that felt like it came out of nowhere (that demanded some commitment of me) to scare the ever-loving crap out of me.

I did the most gutless thing ever. I made light of it (possibly even ridiculed it) on the freaking internet. And I dropped a courtesy call to say I was already gone. I shudder when I think of what a tremendous tool that makes me. I have derided so many guys for lesser shenanigans perpetrated against my girl friends. My only saving grace is that I realize that makes me a tool. I've wished I'd been ready and could have given you a real kiss. I've wished I would have called you and explained why I was so taken back and talked about it. I wish now I would have at least told you why I was so confused and scared and let you explain your affection. I had time for all those things. I lacked guts.

I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart for how I'm sure I made you feel. I can't believe I blogged that $#!+. I can't believe I never called you again. You were so deeply a part of my life. Your letters had been a light in my life that had been pretty dark while you were gone (for reasons that had nothing to do with you). You helped me understand and feel better about my depression and the need to medicate for it. You shared deeply personal things from your own life with me. I treated it all like crap and treated you worse. This is easily the worst thing I've ever done to someone I called my friend.

If you could ever forgive me I'd be so grateful, even if we can never have the same relationship we had before. I hope God has blessed you with great things and a happy life. I hope he always will.

Love, Jared.

Holy crap, I found a picture of you on google.
I won't post it though. I try not to use the internet for evil anymore.
You're still a hottie.
No offense to my current girlfriend, who is the most hot.
Ok, I'm done.
For reals.