No names. Just say how you feel...
1. You are seriously the coolest person I know. No joke. I know I award that to different people nearly all the time, but I mean it. You. Are. So. Effing. Cool.
2. Puh-leeze. Over it. So over it. Eat chowdah you poohead.
3. Get off my back. Seriously. It's my problem, not yours and I really don't want to hear any more about how the Lord doesn't want me unless I'm attached to a member of the opposite gender (and I claim points for rhyming like that). I love the gospel, and I'm doing my best.
4. If I could just strangle my debt collector lifeless (and stuff his body in a refrigerator at the dump) and make my troubles disappear like the good old days, you my friend, would not be sending me this monthly statement. And you'd be in a refrigerator.
5. Maybe this is none of my business, but you should really think about being better to your friends. They love you. Hell, at times they near worship you. Everybody likes to think they're the person who doesn't short change all their friends when they hook up with someone. And some of us aren't. But some of us are and just don't like to admit it. They'd do anything for you. Do something for them.
6. Learn to drive you octogenetarian plague. I swear if I get stuck behind another one of you brake-happy, indiscriminate lane-swerving village idiots I'm gonna rip the bones out your fingers and slowly lodge them behind your eyelids one by one till you pass out from the pain and trauma. Then I will cut all the corners off your license like a totin chit card and leave it on your frail, sweat-drenched unconscious body.
7. I miss you.
8. Geez, you're so cute. When your face makes this one certain look I want to grab you by where your hair meets your neck and kiss your face off for like 20 minutes. I feel I have exercised considerable restraint thus far to keep from doing it already.
9. I'm really sorry for all the bonerish things I've done. I can be a real jerk even to people I really care about it. I'm happy we're friends again. There was a while I couldn't be far enough away from you. Now I'm far enough away from you, only I sorta wish I wasn't. Funny how that works huh?
10. Everyday I look at you I'm happy. You make me glad I came here. You're so much better than that last river I lived next to... even if it means I'm gonna freeze my yoo-hoos off this Winter, and you're gonna be all icified for months. You still make my day just about every day.
11. Seriously? I'm a good employee. I make sacrifices, I prepare my lessons (when you bother to tell me what subject I'm teaching), I try to connect with my students and help them wherever I can. Don't ask me to change plans I've had for nigh a month so I can do review and rehash with 4 kids who have heard this all twice already and are really good at it by now on my Saturday while they and I have things we'd rather be doing. Good thing they like me so much.
12. I don't say this often enough but I'm really grateful. You do a lot for me, and I really want you to know I'm thanking you like times infinity.